Day 18/212 (8/14/10) I am a tree.

Saturday

Family Reunion is today.

          (8 am) I was a little stiff getting out of bed this morning, different place and all. I changed clothes and brushed my teeth. Applied my manly deodorant that my mom does not appreciate, but I like the way it smells. I also like a deodorant that works. For breakfast I finished off the honey nut cheerios in the cabinet and had an orange cream yogurt for breakfast (for dessert I had the chocolate ones with my left-over milk)
We loaded the car after that and left about 9:30a. The trip was un-eventful and we arrived about 11a.
Uncle (my 2nd Cousin) Rod was already there (he's prob. my favorite cousin because we have similar book tastes), along with my Dad's older brother Joe. Rod (even though he could be my papaw) is Nanny's sister's son, which some how makes me a cousin or something. I'm not really flavored in the genre of genealogy (in other words I don't care.)

          Rod's side of the family came right after we did (bringing the 1/2 twins Carly and Cassy) Then my Dad's younger brother and his family (which is structured like ours, three girls and one boy as the youngest, who is also my age, but we have no similar interests so we don't talk much. After them cousin Melly (Dad's older brother's daughter) and her husband's family. A few stragglers here and there also. After they set up corn hole and played a few rounds we finally prayed and ate. However before that I made the mistake of catering to the attention of the 1/2 twins. I say 1/2 because there not really twins. Similar to Selah and Sophie they were born consecutively and look almost exactly the same. (seriously... almost. exactly...)
They were shy of my at first, and I shouldn't have invited them to hang on me because they wouldn't leave me alone.

          Similar to you, I'm very protective and orderly concerning my gaming equipment... I'll share but I don't like to pass along. "Can I? Can I? Oh Let me!! I want to! Give it here! *grab pull* yea so I didn't get to enjoy the pleasure of my Dsi for very long... nothing a good Windex cant fix but still... "Look! see how far I got you! This is getting you farther I leveled up your pokemon!!" A small greasy finger smudges the screen and pokes at the camera as I shudder... children have the strongest grips. Finally I placed them in Sophie's care and they left me alone long enough to join a conversation with someone who wouldn't ask "Why?" I wasn't paying attention to them. Don't get me wrong, I love kids I want some of my own in the future... but having them pester me, and having the parents right. there. not saying a word, totally submissive to the children really irked my nerves. 

          For lunch I ate a brat (sausage), some deviled egg, and some of all the salads that everyone brought. Even though I was eating the good food, I found I wasn't as hungry as I'd thought. For dessert I had some cheese cake, some custard (Nanny makes the best) my favorite - Angel food cake/ light sponge cake- and a few cookies. I felt bored for the most part. There really wasn't much for me to do, besides the fact it was terribly hot. About 3/4ths of the way through the gathering it began to thunder then rain.
Right next to the little shelter we rented there's a creek that the youngsters looove to play in (specifically Lilly the youngest at 2yrs). About 5-10 minutes of torrential downpour led to a rushing and nearly-overflowing creek. Lilly, being nearly 3 and absolutely curious and fascinated by the rain made a b-line for the park making her cousins chase after her (soaking her 2nd set of clothes)

          Luckily for the wedding using the gazebo adjacent from our shelter, it was finished about an hour before the rain. It must have been pretty, and nice because all the guests parked in our parking lot and were wondering if we were reception. I caught a glimpse of the bride, she seemed nice but something about her made her seem uneasy. I wish I could read people like you can, sometimes I think it would be easier. Finally about 7pm everyone had begun packing up, and the rain slowed to a drizzle, almost as if it was 'letting' us pass. I did get to have my 'yearly' reading list chat with Rod, and I even got to chat with Melly a little when she wasn't feeling good.

But...

            When we got back I started to update my blog from yesterday, and as I was typing for yesterday I felt like I was debriefing in my mind today's events. I had to stop typing that and finish writing in my diary...

          Throughout the reunion, a summary of what I'd felt was that I was alone. Yes I had plenty of people to talk to, and plenty was going on but I felt distanced. I felt shadowed by the accomplishments of my extended family members; my older cousin going for his Ph.D, my other cousin married to the perfect guy, in the air force and pregnant with his child. And the rest of them all getting their doctorates and knowing what to do with their lives. Where am I? I quit my job to work with my mom, I'm going to Bible college online... but it doesn't feel like anything. Granted I've always felt that way at reunions. The focus is always on the younger groups and I don't have those memories to look back on. I've always felt like that awkward non-center of attention, I just sit in on everyone elses' conversations because I have nothing to relate and nothing to bring to the table. No one else is interested in what I have to say because I don't have similar interests to everyone else, I'm not a sports person, I don't have my bachelors or my associates. I have (had) a crappy job, but no one really is interested.  

 All I ever really had to talk to was Selah, a cousin or two here or there, maybe Nanny or Rod but I never really fit in, and I wont lie- I longed for their attention. For a split second, despair took hold and I understood why people who crave attention do what they do... but I'm not like that I'd simply forgotten what my Dad had said "You bring me no shame" I wasn't remembering that God's love never fails; and I know that now, I even read my Bible while I was there and called for the presence of the Lord. But I still felt alienated, I still felt lonely, I couldn't call you to cheer me up I had to rely sou-ly on God and I screwed up. I couldn't do it.

But I've learned my lesson.

I know better now, and I know what to say next time that happens. "REJOICE in the Lord always and again I say Rejoice. Blessed is the name of the Lord, Blessed be his holy Name. He delights in me, and his Love is unfailing. I sang "How he loves us" pretty much all day and that helped.
Over all I missed you and trying to explain our situation was difficult.
"You still with that one guy? whats-his name?"
"Yea!... we're doing this thing...."
I even went into the Jacob and Rebeca bit but it was like they knew, but didn't remember. I especially needed my daddy, since he and his brothers look so similar, I kept thinking they were him until I remembered he wasn't there. It was kind of an odd paragridiam. I'm with family I love, but I miss family.

Writing everything down helped me feel better, and Kim Walker's music really helped me get through today.

"We are His portion and He is our prize,
drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes;
if grace is a notion-

then we're all thinking.
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
and my heart turns violently inside of my chest-
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about:
How He Loves Us"

Also our mutual good friend Faust really helped me not crash and call you. He's that kind of friend that's always there right when you need them. We're (you and I) are blessed to have him (his girl too!).

I love you... its day 14 and I love you more than ever. You and God... I need you both.
My afflictions are eclipsed by glory for which I thank God.