Thursday
I don't actually know how today is going to turn out yet but I think It'll be a good day. I'm beginning to like how dad wakes us up at 8, like there's something special about it. So as new-usual we were woken up at 8am (7:58 to be precise)
Selah had a friend stay the night, and she joined us too... So this time he had a few more verses for us. It was very nice; simply about accepting Jesus as Savior and all the different kinds of words of praise "Holy, Glory, Heavenly, Praise the lord, Hallelujah etc." Then mom mentioned our good friend Joel from church was coming over to help fix the front door, and he'd be around by 9am to look at it. He's nice and all, but I went back to bed, and mom got me up again at 12. Which is good because I had to be at the post office by 1pm.
I had nachos cheese and milk for breakfast and watched Spencer play Smash bros. Brawl while I ate. Then it was off the the passport place. We got there at like 12:50pm and it turns out that he only needed me to sign some stuff, I got home at (no joke) 1:08pm.
So I relaxed in bed and checked my Internets until it was time to go, then off to work.
When I got there it was super busy, even though there was 6 people there. Me, my co-manager, my shift lead 1, our new food stewardess, the pregnant (ignorant and lazy) co-worker and the hipster co-worker. Twas hectic for some time then the customers began thinning out.
I don't actually know how today is going to turn out yet but I think It'll be a good day. I'm beginning to like how dad wakes us up at 8, like there's something special about it. So as new-usual we were woken up at 8am (7:58 to be precise)
Selah had a friend stay the night, and she joined us too... So this time he had a few more verses for us. It was very nice; simply about accepting Jesus as Savior and all the different kinds of words of praise "Holy, Glory, Heavenly, Praise the lord, Hallelujah etc." Then mom mentioned our good friend Joel from church was coming over to help fix the front door, and he'd be around by 9am to look at it. He's nice and all, but I went back to bed, and mom got me up again at 12. Which is good because I had to be at the post office by 1pm.
I had nachos cheese and milk for breakfast and watched Spencer play Smash bros. Brawl while I ate. Then it was off the the passport place. We got there at like 12:50pm and it turns out that he only needed me to sign some stuff, I got home at (no joke) 1:08pm.
So I relaxed in bed and checked my Internets until it was time to go, then off to work.
When I got there it was super busy, even though there was 6 people there. Me, my co-manager, my shift lead 1, our new food stewardess, the pregnant (ignorant and lazy) co-worker and the hipster co-worker. Twas hectic for some time then the customers began thinning out.
The first few hours were boring but okay, listening to my shift lead 1 gripe and whine about her exes while being stuck behind the counter because she feels it necessary that she must do all the work and stay busy. Also the latest story about her and the doughnut guy and that drama; she's all worried that he's going to bring the doughnuts tonight and give her grief. (Turns out he didn't show, and while she thought he was flaking on us they told us that he's actually in jail for some reason or another. They wouldn't say... but that makes the 3rd of her exes to make behind bars... frankly I'm worried)
So she goes on and on some more and I'm still stuck behind the counter. Then he shows up, the guy she's currently with- who's three kids are in Colorado with the x-wife and whom also works at a fast food joint across town. (I've actually been to said burger joint and he does keep them in check pretty well... just saying...) So they slip out side (she was doing the trash lot but still) and were gone for some 30+ minutes. Then she comes back in brandishing a bouquet of flowers, roses actually, and I was jealous.
It doesn't help that I'm already experiencing what I would like to describe as heart break. For the past hour something moved in me that made me feel like I was either experiencing a heart-attack, heart-burn, or heart-break. I didn't feel well I couldn't breathe right and I felt inexplicably weak, like someone somewhere was crying out to me, like something had gone horribly wrong somewhere and there was nothing I could do. I felt tired and alone and crushed by the weight of the world. I felt terrified and sick, tiny and unimportant.
I wonder momentarily if I've just experienced true heartache, I was hurting on the inside begging for mercy. It hurt, true pain was my evidence. I nearly cried, but I held on and pushed through to the end of my shift. All I could think of was how badly I missed you, and how badly I just want you to show up and give me a nice bear-hug (roses would be nice too).
Now don't misunderstand, I know I'm worth a lot and that I'm loved eternally and my family delights in me. My dad even brought me my dinner tonight which was awesome!! :) It was something ether satan had devised or it was something more telepathic... I don't know but it hurt so terribly bad. Then when she came back in with her roses and I was so jealous. All I wanted right then was for you to appear with a dozen more, something anything to re-assure me that everything was going to be okay. I'm alright, and I know I am but right then I just felt like a total disaster.
"I need your hugs! your kisses! God's kisses are nice but I need you too, don't go, don't leave me! Look at me crying, I feel helpless like I cant do this and its not even day 10. I cant breathe, I haven't really breathed all day I'm just holding my breath.
I can yell all I want "Be still my soul! but I still have these suffocating emotions.
It seems like God is just not enough (although he really is): His love is wholesome like a good meal, His mercy like a refreshing drink, and his loyalty and kept promises like a nice snack, but I need dessert; not junk food. Dessert. "
Now, I'm not crazy... again, I know I'm loved and I do love myself and know that God loves me... I actually think I've just had a really bad day (ha, my first spiritually bad day). This would have been one of those nights when I would have called you crying. Would have been, but tomorrow it'll be something of the past, in fact while I still miss you its of the past now. Bless God I just need to calm down and relax from that. Good thing I'm off tomorrow.
"I need your hugs! your kisses! God's kisses are nice but I need you too, don't go, don't leave me! Look at me crying, I feel helpless like I cant do this and its not even day 10. I cant breathe, I haven't really breathed all day I'm just holding my breath.
I can yell all I want "Be still my soul! but I still have these suffocating emotions.
It seems like God is just not enough (although he really is): His love is wholesome like a good meal, His mercy like a refreshing drink, and his loyalty and kept promises like a nice snack, but I need dessert; not junk food. Dessert. "
Now, I'm not crazy... again, I know I'm loved and I do love myself and know that God loves me... I actually think I've just had a really bad day (ha, my first spiritually bad day). This would have been one of those nights when I would have called you crying. Would have been, but tomorrow it'll be something of the past, in fact while I still miss you its of the past now. Bless God I just need to calm down and relax from that. Good thing I'm off tomorrow.
I need sleep, I need these days to just blur together, because today was hard.
I want your deep voice to comfort me like I need Jesus' sacrifice to save me. I want your warm embrace just like I need God's grace to give me strength. Help me O' Lord, I cry out in my time of torment. I am thrashing in my dreamless sleep, my mind is restless causing me to grow weary. Calm my spirit and soothe my soul. I need to shut off my mind for a while.
I want your deep voice to comfort me like I need Jesus' sacrifice to save me. I want your warm embrace just like I need God's grace to give me strength. Help me O' Lord, I cry out in my time of torment. I am thrashing in my dreamless sleep, my mind is restless causing me to grow weary. Calm my spirit and soothe my soul. I need to shut off my mind for a while.
Or something.
I love you.
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