Mrs. Saunders,
Please dont thing that i'm not missing him, because I am, I've cried myself to sleep on more than a few occasions because my days were hard and I couldn't call him and tell him how I felt, I love him I really do and I miss him; but its God who i've missed the most.
This isn't supposed to sound mean I dont mean it that way, but I've been devoting my life to my friends and my job, to the point where I practically never saw my family and I live at home. When I should have been spending the majority of my spare time with God. And my 'me' time was going out with more friends and spending the change I earned when I could have been saving it up and tithing it properly. This 'break' from each other, to me has been more of a inner revival, if I cant get my self right with God how am I supposed to be right with anyone else, I cant have a successful family if my faith is in the gutter, success to me isn't even to have fame or wealth; its just like what Solomon said to God, he asked for Wisdom and he received. For me and him, this is a time of wisdom and learning.
I'm taking bible classes now that I would have pushed aside earlier because I 'didn't have enough time' I'm not saying i don't have time for you, because i do, but both of us were distracted with each other, we only talked about our hopes and dreams. It took a month for me to decide that my life wasn't over, it took me a month to stop being the prodigal daughter and return to my father. Give me a minute and I'll tell you the whole story.
Here is a little bit of backround.
For my entire life I've been raised as a 'good little christian' we got to church every Sunday, and I loved Sunday school I made a lot of friends. My mom was a little different though, when she first met my dad they were 100% on fire for God, I wish i could've seen it and I was alive for some of it not that I remember. Back then they met a man named Henry Browne, but I'll get to that later. They all loved eachoether and God and so forth. But somewhere along the way things slowed down we didn't necessarily fall into sin but our lives became normal. Rather than being on fire for God and being raised in a household that praised the Lord every waking moment I was raised by a quiet dad and a frustrated mom. When I was 9 my dad came into my room one night and knelt by my bed with his bible and asked me if I wanted Jesus. Not knowing any better I decided I did and weeping and reading at the same time dad and I recited John 3:16 and the Lords Prayer and that was it. I was saved and I had no idea what that meant, I mean I did like every good sunday school kid I knew the answers but I didn't feel them. They weren't real to me and I wasn't living in them. Pretty much from there my life is a boring story of schools and friends and crisis and family event except for my mom. Mom allways wanted something more, which was good because she actually saved our lives with that. The church we were attending several years ago (right before I met Scott) can only be described (best by my mom) as Egypt. I'm sure you've been in a church before that felt that way, Scott told me once about a time Mr. Saunders was preaching and he called down the thunder of the Lord and everyone in the church has been a believer ever since. Well the place we were at was just like that only with out the revial. Even after we left its gotten worse, and I didn't see it till I visited years later but its so dry. When you walk in the doors, yea people might greet you, but the air makes you thirsty, you can feel it in your bones (I know that sounds odd but I know you understand because you've been there) God's there but he's just not... there. It was like a carcass. From there we moved to the catholic church, my mom desperately searching for a taste of something filled with Gods love, even the catholic church was better than what we had. I only went a few times, by then I was old enough to drive and I was attending the Vinyard Northwest which is up the street from my house. Now I'm not a depressing person, I don't get negative like that I'm not "emo" but the drama state that "Lifespring" our previous church left me in nearly ruined my life forever. If it wasn't for the Vinyards youth group I don't know where I'd be now. When I first started going there the worship was fufiling. I felt refreshed, and I was loved by these people who cared about me and could love Jesus at the same time? My mom was finding good thing as well, about this time the Lakeland Florida seminars were going on and she was so excited. We watched them on the computer for a long time, I'd never heard a preached message before that spoke to me like that it was new, it was the Holy Spirit.
For my entire life I've been raised as a 'good little christian' we got to church every Sunday, and I loved Sunday school I made a lot of friends. My mom was a little different though, when she first met my dad they were 100% on fire for God, I wish i could've seen it and I was alive for some of it not that I remember. Back then they met a man named Henry Browne, but I'll get to that later. They all loved eachoether and God and so forth. But somewhere along the way things slowed down we didn't necessarily fall into sin but our lives became normal. Rather than being on fire for God and being raised in a household that praised the Lord every waking moment I was raised by a quiet dad and a frustrated mom. When I was 9 my dad came into my room one night and knelt by my bed with his bible and asked me if I wanted Jesus. Not knowing any better I decided I did and weeping and reading at the same time dad and I recited John 3:16 and the Lords Prayer and that was it. I was saved and I had no idea what that meant, I mean I did like every good sunday school kid I knew the answers but I didn't feel them. They weren't real to me and I wasn't living in them. Pretty much from there my life is a boring story of schools and friends and crisis and family event except for my mom. Mom allways wanted something more, which was good because she actually saved our lives with that. The church we were attending several years ago (right before I met Scott) can only be described (best by my mom) as Egypt. I'm sure you've been in a church before that felt that way, Scott told me once about a time Mr. Saunders was preaching and he called down the thunder of the Lord and everyone in the church has been a believer ever since. Well the place we were at was just like that only with out the revial. Even after we left its gotten worse, and I didn't see it till I visited years later but its so dry. When you walk in the doors, yea people might greet you, but the air makes you thirsty, you can feel it in your bones (I know that sounds odd but I know you understand because you've been there) God's there but he's just not... there. It was like a carcass. From there we moved to the catholic church, my mom desperately searching for a taste of something filled with Gods love, even the catholic church was better than what we had. I only went a few times, by then I was old enough to drive and I was attending the Vinyard Northwest which is up the street from my house. Now I'm not a depressing person, I don't get negative like that I'm not "emo" but the drama state that "Lifespring" our previous church left me in nearly ruined my life forever. If it wasn't for the Vinyards youth group I don't know where I'd be now. When I first started going there the worship was fufiling. I felt refreshed, and I was loved by these people who cared about me and could love Jesus at the same time? My mom was finding good thing as well, about this time the Lakeland Florida seminars were going on and she was so excited. We watched them on the computer for a long time, I'd never heard a preached message before that spoke to me like that it was new, it was the Holy Spirit.
We watched from that little desktop for almost 2 months as people from all over the world received Jesus and were healed, it was nuts I couldn't belive what I was seeing. I thought "Is this real? or some kind of wack cult?" By then I was dating your son, and we discussed it alot, we even argued about it from time to time. I really just didn't understand what was going on to its fullest I couldn't determine if this was good or bad. I attendd a conference or two with my mom and it was okay, people would come up and get prayed for and healed and knocked over by the holy spirit. I still wasn't convinced but mom was healed of her athsma.
I consider my self lucky, when I was still in baptist school my next younger sister experienced intense mental trauma and was hospitalized in childrens psych ward for a week. It wasn't violence or rape, it was her inability to handle her anger from the teasing and the verbal abuse brought on by her classmates. If it wasn't for that, and my family's artistic nature I probably wouldn't have got to Fitton/Options, and I wouldn't have met Scott. Normally Selah is very good at handling her self but that night was something different, that's a story for another time (sorry to sound cheesy but its true) I don't thank God for her suffering but I thank God for my mothers realization that the place we were in was not good for us.
With much prodding my dad finally agreed to let me go to fitton, he didn't like it one bit but he let me go. So thus began the imbalance my family began to face. While my mom was re-discovering the love of Jesus and working out all her childhood problems with God, my dad would come home every day and sit on the couch and melt in front of the tv. He'd play games with us some times, but he used to read to us at the dinner table, we used to learn bible verses every week. It wasn't that he didn't Love God it was that he settled down. The devil was whispering in his ear "yea just work a few more years, retirement is just around the corner, you can live in this old house for ever, its not bad blah blah blah" I learned later that satan has no power over you unless you let him even if its by accident.
Meanwhile I'm in the background, quietly doubting; I don't doubt the power of God I simply doubted the realism of what was happening around me. Sure I got knocked down by the Holy Spirit a few times, and sure I was cured of some allergies but it wasn't enough for me. Because all around me people are having visions, and seeing angels and I thought it was just bogus. Scott pointed out to me once, when I dragged him to one of the last nights of one, I'd spent all day with some lady named Caroline, and in the end after one of the book-selling preachers gave his message he specifically alter-called her. I cried, I thought I finally saw the truth. One of the reasons I'm thankful for Scott. He waited until I was down from my little 'spiritual hi' to tell me the real truth.
It was a heated discussion at first, I was upset at him for not understanding 'what I was going through' and he was mad at me for not getting what he was trying to say. Eventually though I understood, beware false prophets, but that doesn't mean everyone is false.
I consider my self lucky, when I was still in baptist school my next younger sister experienced intense mental trauma and was hospitalized in childrens psych ward for a week. It wasn't violence or rape, it was her inability to handle her anger from the teasing and the verbal abuse brought on by her classmates. If it wasn't for that, and my family's artistic nature I probably wouldn't have got to Fitton/Options, and I wouldn't have met Scott. Normally Selah is very good at handling her self but that night was something different, that's a story for another time (sorry to sound cheesy but its true) I don't thank God for her suffering but I thank God for my mothers realization that the place we were in was not good for us.
With much prodding my dad finally agreed to let me go to fitton, he didn't like it one bit but he let me go. So thus began the imbalance my family began to face. While my mom was re-discovering the love of Jesus and working out all her childhood problems with God, my dad would come home every day and sit on the couch and melt in front of the tv. He'd play games with us some times, but he used to read to us at the dinner table, we used to learn bible verses every week. It wasn't that he didn't Love God it was that he settled down. The devil was whispering in his ear "yea just work a few more years, retirement is just around the corner, you can live in this old house for ever, its not bad blah blah blah" I learned later that satan has no power over you unless you let him even if its by accident.
Meanwhile I'm in the background, quietly doubting; I don't doubt the power of God I simply doubted the realism of what was happening around me. Sure I got knocked down by the Holy Spirit a few times, and sure I was cured of some allergies but it wasn't enough for me. Because all around me people are having visions, and seeing angels and I thought it was just bogus. Scott pointed out to me once, when I dragged him to one of the last nights of one, I'd spent all day with some lady named Caroline, and in the end after one of the book-selling preachers gave his message he specifically alter-called her. I cried, I thought I finally saw the truth. One of the reasons I'm thankful for Scott. He waited until I was down from my little 'spiritual hi' to tell me the real truth.
It was a heated discussion at first, I was upset at him for not understanding 'what I was going through' and he was mad at me for not getting what he was trying to say. Eventually though I understood, beware false prophets, but that doesn't mean everyone is false.
You know me, you know i love everybody and I'm cheery and that is the true me, I do love people and I am generally out going, there have only been three instances in my life when there's been someone I didn't like, and only one time when I was wrong.
Those people were Aaron Molesky the last youth teacher I had at "Life Spring" From the moment we were introduced I did not like him. I wasn't trying to be mean but he made me feel uneasy he had an air that felt like dried blood to me. Now I tried, I made a solid effort to be nice and be friendly, and he wasn't a mean guy he was very social and friendly but he did somethings that took me years and a little therapy before I could really forgive him for. Here I go with my analogies sorry if this sounds cheesy. Do you have something in your life that that somedays you just cant live with out, a good hug from your husband, or a nice hot cup of coffee for example. Well besides risking being grounded and talking to Scott at all hours of the night, my social addiction was my youth group. Despite the desert that was my church at the time I souly depended on this youth group. We weren't a bible study group per say, but we were all friends from childhood, we grew up together here. I had been dealing with some pretty tough stuff at school a friend of mine had just got expelled and its hard when your a teenager (I know you understand you've been there :P) to deal with the loss of someone you care about like that, I was cooling down at youth group when my one of my friends comes up to me and soulmnly reports that this is the last Yg... from now on it would be "life groups" and we would be separated by gender... I was furious. This was all under the order of Mr. Molesky, I was so infuriated with him I frequently imagined myself wraping my bony fingers around his fit and taut neck. Like that wasn't enough he decided to scar me for life by showing us Hotel Rawanda. Granted, yes this is the highschool class, but some of us are minors, some of us have recently dealt with some extreme mental trauma involving close family members, and also lost some friends. I was horrified, it took me three days just to recover. I believe that now i might be able to sit down and watch that movie and be okay, but the message he was giving while showing it to us was "recognizing the cry of the oppressed" I dont blame him for trying, I know he meant well but we're young and impressionable and now we're scarred for life. On a humorous note when my mom finally yelled at him and made him apologize for traumatizing her daughter, and we counted. He said "Failed to Articulate", no joke, 14 times in one sentence. FOURTEEN. Yea so that guy was a joke, after he ruined youthgroup all of a sudden he felt called to preach in Minnesota and we never heard from him again. (That was how I ended up at the Vinyard, a friend recommended it)
The next was Amy who hurt one of my friends, from the moment I met her as well, she had an aura of trouble, and finally someone you know all too well. Benny. Ick.
I dont know why I feel compelled to be detailed about this, normally I summarize the church part...
Anyhow, after all that I just didn't know where to belong, I pretty much fell out of the church world, I would be graduating soon any way and all of that (which there is a bit more but I'm pushing it lol) left a bit of a callous scar on my heart. Like a solder I trucked on though.
Finally after most of a year my mom hit breakthrough, one of the familys she made friends with was starting a church in Hamilton (Right up the street from Grandma B's little church actually.( Its that big warehouse church building thing behind the river cafe)
Absolutely thrilled my mom went every Sunday I went a few times, it was good but I still didn't feel at home. Oh and meanwhile my dad is kind of chilling in the background, going to work every day and coming home just like me. Work eat sleep and occasional socialization. After some heavy prayer and internet searching she finally found what she'd been looking for, not just a church on the other side of town but people that had what we needed, freedom.
Wow... this is starting to sound like an autobiography. Sorry if this seems ridiculous, at least now you know more about me >,<
I do love your family so much you guys are all so sweet. I'm not done yet thoguh, if your still interested you can keep reading if you want, if not, never mind me :)
Those people were Aaron Molesky the last youth teacher I had at "Life Spring" From the moment we were introduced I did not like him. I wasn't trying to be mean but he made me feel uneasy he had an air that felt like dried blood to me. Now I tried, I made a solid effort to be nice and be friendly, and he wasn't a mean guy he was very social and friendly but he did somethings that took me years and a little therapy before I could really forgive him for. Here I go with my analogies sorry if this sounds cheesy. Do you have something in your life that that somedays you just cant live with out, a good hug from your husband, or a nice hot cup of coffee for example. Well besides risking being grounded and talking to Scott at all hours of the night, my social addiction was my youth group. Despite the desert that was my church at the time I souly depended on this youth group. We weren't a bible study group per say, but we were all friends from childhood, we grew up together here. I had been dealing with some pretty tough stuff at school a friend of mine had just got expelled and its hard when your a teenager (I know you understand you've been there :P) to deal with the loss of someone you care about like that, I was cooling down at youth group when my one of my friends comes up to me and soulmnly reports that this is the last Yg... from now on it would be "life groups" and we would be separated by gender... I was furious. This was all under the order of Mr. Molesky, I was so infuriated with him I frequently imagined myself wraping my bony fingers around his fit and taut neck. Like that wasn't enough he decided to scar me for life by showing us Hotel Rawanda. Granted, yes this is the highschool class, but some of us are minors, some of us have recently dealt with some extreme mental trauma involving close family members, and also lost some friends. I was horrified, it took me three days just to recover. I believe that now i might be able to sit down and watch that movie and be okay, but the message he was giving while showing it to us was "recognizing the cry of the oppressed" I dont blame him for trying, I know he meant well but we're young and impressionable and now we're scarred for life. On a humorous note when my mom finally yelled at him and made him apologize for traumatizing her daughter, and we counted. He said "Failed to Articulate", no joke, 14 times in one sentence. FOURTEEN. Yea so that guy was a joke, after he ruined youthgroup all of a sudden he felt called to preach in Minnesota and we never heard from him again. (That was how I ended up at the Vinyard, a friend recommended it)
The next was Amy who hurt one of my friends, from the moment I met her as well, she had an aura of trouble, and finally someone you know all too well. Benny. Ick.
I dont know why I feel compelled to be detailed about this, normally I summarize the church part...
Anyhow, after all that I just didn't know where to belong, I pretty much fell out of the church world, I would be graduating soon any way and all of that (which there is a bit more but I'm pushing it lol) left a bit of a callous scar on my heart. Like a solder I trucked on though.
Finally after most of a year my mom hit breakthrough, one of the familys she made friends with was starting a church in Hamilton (Right up the street from Grandma B's little church actually.( Its that big warehouse church building thing behind the river cafe)
Absolutely thrilled my mom went every Sunday I went a few times, it was good but I still didn't feel at home. Oh and meanwhile my dad is kind of chilling in the background, going to work every day and coming home just like me. Work eat sleep and occasional socialization. After some heavy prayer and internet searching she finally found what she'd been looking for, not just a church on the other side of town but people that had what we needed, freedom.
Wow... this is starting to sound like an autobiography. Sorry if this seems ridiculous, at least now you know more about me >,<
I do love your family so much you guys are all so sweet. I'm not done yet thoguh, if your still interested you can keep reading if you want, if not, never mind me :)
Oh and about that one time i was wrong like I mentioned earlier, yea I had a boyfriend once who I thought was a good guy, turns out he was a looser no big deal there though as nothing really happened.
Anyhow, even walking through the front door to the little house church just up the road from us I felt like something clicked. If you've ever been to a Vinyard you know how they greet you all excited and then you never see them again, that was the greeting I received, only instead of ignoring me, I received the love of God from these people. Part of them was a little bit like me, they loved and they'd never met me before. At first the worship was a little different, but it was the first place that I'd been able to worship freely, in ever. Selah loves to dance when she becomes immersed in worship. She's good too. I like to draw. Now I'm not all big on the "Christian lingo" stuff like prophetic and apostolic but when Will Riddle or Joel preaches I can feel it. That might sound weird but its the truth, its like when you meet an incredibly reputable person, even if you've never met them before you don't need their credentials because you just know that they speak the truth. I convinced Scott to come once too (granted I really owe him for that I havn't been able to fulfill that promise yet but I shall!) and he can agree that their good people.
Moving on to more recent times this is more about how I got both my dad and my life back.
Over the years my mom had re-discovered the Spirit of God and it was amasing for her but my dad really just didn't have a taste for it. It was like she was drinking sweet wine and he was still convinced the sour stuff was better. He never 'felt' like going to the conferences, and he had taken the catholic RCIA classes so they would allow him to be a member at the church (because it was more spirit filled than the Christian church we went to, and we get a discount at the school). For a long time our family was very lop-sided, mom went to church every Sunday and loved it and dad... yea. So, when they were a young couple they made friends with a gentleman named Bishop Henry Browne (from Guiana SA) a 100% Spirit-filled, God fearing man, and they all worshiped together and built each other up. Well it'd been years since they had contacted each other and my mom missed him so she sent him a letter, which was returned by a phone call: "THIS IS BISHOP HENRY BROWNE GREETINGS IN 'DA NAME OF 'DA LORD!" No joke, the phone wasn't on speaker but you could hear it all over the house. Dad was excited at first and okay when they picked Henry up from the airport, but as soon as we got him to the house (he stayed for about 4 days) he was dreading the weekend ahead. However, in a single week my dad changed completely! I really kind of skirted the situation, I had absolutely no memories of this guy, never met him except for once when I was a new born plus I was working most of the weekend.
This might sound a little cereal box to you but you know me, you've met me I think you'll get it.
Anyhow, even walking through the front door to the little house church just up the road from us I felt like something clicked. If you've ever been to a Vinyard you know how they greet you all excited and then you never see them again, that was the greeting I received, only instead of ignoring me, I received the love of God from these people. Part of them was a little bit like me, they loved and they'd never met me before. At first the worship was a little different, but it was the first place that I'd been able to worship freely, in ever. Selah loves to dance when she becomes immersed in worship. She's good too. I like to draw. Now I'm not all big on the "Christian lingo" stuff like prophetic and apostolic but when Will Riddle or Joel preaches I can feel it. That might sound weird but its the truth, its like when you meet an incredibly reputable person, even if you've never met them before you don't need their credentials because you just know that they speak the truth. I convinced Scott to come once too (granted I really owe him for that I havn't been able to fulfill that promise yet but I shall!) and he can agree that their good people.
Moving on to more recent times this is more about how I got both my dad and my life back.
Over the years my mom had re-discovered the Spirit of God and it was amasing for her but my dad really just didn't have a taste for it. It was like she was drinking sweet wine and he was still convinced the sour stuff was better. He never 'felt' like going to the conferences, and he had taken the catholic RCIA classes so they would allow him to be a member at the church (because it was more spirit filled than the Christian church we went to, and we get a discount at the school). For a long time our family was very lop-sided, mom went to church every Sunday and loved it and dad... yea. So, when they were a young couple they made friends with a gentleman named Bishop Henry Browne (from Guiana SA) a 100% Spirit-filled, God fearing man, and they all worshiped together and built each other up. Well it'd been years since they had contacted each other and my mom missed him so she sent him a letter, which was returned by a phone call: "THIS IS BISHOP HENRY BROWNE GREETINGS IN 'DA NAME OF 'DA LORD!" No joke, the phone wasn't on speaker but you could hear it all over the house. Dad was excited at first and okay when they picked Henry up from the airport, but as soon as we got him to the house (he stayed for about 4 days) he was dreading the weekend ahead. However, in a single week my dad changed completely! I really kind of skirted the situation, I had absolutely no memories of this guy, never met him except for once when I was a new born plus I was working most of the weekend.
This might sound a little cereal box to you but you know me, you've met me I think you'll get it.
The change was subtle at first, very subtle It will be easier for me to describe it in list form, here we go.
Day one(Of Henry's visit): My dad is totally sweating Bishop Browne, the look on his face is exasperated, you can tell he'd rather be miles away, at work even. He looks like me when I'm tired and people want me to play Settlers of Cataan (its a really long bored game). Henry seems... excitable, my mom was right his favorite subject really is JEEZUS and how amazing God is, which is the truth. Honestly I avoided him because I was tired from work and didn't really care even though he was SO HAPPY to see me. Like really, all my life I've been chased around by little old ladies and attacked with huge hugs and exclimations like "Ooouuuhh I used to change your diapers when you were little", and now I've got some guy I dont know from a foreign country pinching my cheek and telling me all about what an adorable fat baby I was. Great.
Day two: Dad is slightly amused, he's actually sitting up now he looks a little more focused than yesterday. Now when Henry say's something he actually nods in response and is showing some reaction. I was again, not really apart of this conversation, I gave hugs, said hi and went back to bed (after getting up and going to work and coming back), something seems different though like there's a flavor in the air. I think I was still talking to Scott at this point, I remember feeling sick and discussing it with him, he was scared and I dont blame him, I was too.
Day three: I return from my job to find Dad and Bishop Browned at the end of the table deep in prayer, my dad looks up gasps and motions me over, I havn't even changed out of my uniform I 'Just' walked in the door. He starts apologizing profusely for sending me to Options; he does this every once in a while so I'm used to his rants about it. Even though he thoroughly regrets sending me there it was an opportunity for me to brighten the lives of dark hearted people so I just smile usually and nod, but not this time. He's crying and he asks me to kneel on the floor as Henry pours some cooking oil in his hands. My dad is bawling and praying and worshiping and apologizing all at the same time, I'm kind of worried, scratch that I'm terrified. I don't know this man, frankly he scares me. He's so exuberant and loves God more than anyone I've ever met ever. He say's some really weird stuff not to mention all this gibberish, it sounds like what mom say's when she's busy working. Someone rescue me I don't know whats going on at all. Now dad's mumbling stuff too, did he learn Hebrew over night?! Help?!? At the same time all this blubbering put me in tears (yep thats me, if your crying I'm crying too, if your throwing up hey! me too) also and I felt something inside me click jently into place.
Day four: I think today was Sunday, it was a rough week and I totally got all the days mixed up, none the less I was awoken by dad with a teary-glow in his eyes and told to come upstairs immediately. Its like 8 or 9 am and I'd stayed up kind of late previously. I'm not thrilled, dad looks... like he was hit by the glory train. Reluctantly I drag myself down the stairs (I stayed in the attic w/ my sister) and immediately notice all the kitchen chairs are in a circle in the family room. What is this cult time? So I plod in and sit down in our happy family circle... Everyone is crying except Spencer and Sophie. (I have 6 family members total) At this point in time the tissue box is 3/4ths full. Dad starts by repenting and blessing each of us, and some blubbering. Mom seems sober enough to add in a comment here and there, as well as Henry who looks like he's done this only a thousand times. I'm not amused. I'd been to a few of mom's conferences and I'd seen enough to not be completely trusting of them, the subject had grown on me but I also had friends warning me that it wasn't safe; but at the same time FCF our night church was warily supportive. So, fearful I took hold of my heart and plodded on. Dad was completely effected by all of this, there was no point for the next 3 hours that he was not crying. He took turns for each of us, anointing us with oil blessing us, lavishing us with Love and apologizing. I was beginning to believe that either he had a terminal disease or he was on to something. Then he came to me. Most of my life has been spent in fear of my father (the kind of fear we reverence God with, not afraid fear) I never knew if I was good enough because he never praised me directly. I either found out through my mom or over heard him saying it, on one hand that was enough for me, on the other I could have used more. At the same time receiving any attention at all seemed embarrassing and I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't even practice my guitar in front of my family (except my mom who is growing out of her tone deafness, because everything sounds nice to her), it was like he was making up for lost time. My dad is usually a pretty quiet guy but not today, today everything he meant to say in the past he said today. And I felt better I felt patched up I felt forgiven I felt like I was important to him, even though I was a college dropout and worked a crap-tastic job, I felt like I meant something to him and that my life had a family value...
(tearing up here... just a sec)... So anyway this worship and praise and anointing went on for several hours, we ended up skipping breakfast entirely, but who was hungry when we were so full of God.
Day four pt.2: At the end of all this when we were calming down, we were about to separate for a bit and get some air when my sister Selah promptly grabbed the bottle of cooking oil and pours a bunch in her hands. She grabs Henry by the head and starts praying over him, thus followed by my dad... I even felt compelled to say some things. So for the first time in my life I believe I was actually led in the Spirit to pray over Bishop Browne. We took him out to Bob Evans later, he was so excited.
Later that night, for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years, we as a complete family (plus Henry) went to church together. It was incredible.
That was August 2010 for me.
It was on the third day I think, that dad answered the phone because Scott couldn't reach me on my cell. I had turned it off, I was taking a break from the outside world, I didn't mean to leave him out, I didn't get to him in time. Dad warned me probably a few months ago, and it not only Scott that's going to experience this, I'm fairly certain that both my sisters and probably even my brother will experience this also. My dad's been formulating his own " Eight simple rules for dating my teenage daughter" (its a stupid tv show).
All week as I'd been at work, I'd requested off for three days (ended up following henry's visit) I planned to drive to KY to visit my best friend (old girlfriend who used to live next door)
As our family is calming down, its the day after Henry left and my parents came upstairs and woke me up. They took me downstairs and suggested I make my room in the basement (this actually made me really happy because its nice and cool down there). They also suggested I not go and visit my friends. That hurt my feelings, I'd been looking forwards to this get together for months and I really wanted to go I was pretty upset but reluctantly I respected their wishes and I stayed home. I dont know what would've happened if I'd have gone, but the time I spent at home with my family (when I wasn't crying over my withdraws from not talking to Scott) was really refreshing, I have my dad back, something I've been missing for years.
Its been really difficult for me, not to just pick up the phone, I cant tell you how hard that is, when I see an old text in my phone from him, not to send him one. But through all of this, I'm growing I'm focusing instead of how and when and what time and where I've spent time- spending my time growing. One of the reasons dad gave me for this 7 month thing was that it was a test of character and will or something of the like. I'd hoped that my examples of his caring for me would be enough, but it's not my dad that's dated him these past 3 years (thank goodness) its me, I guess just telling him wasn't enough.
In the end, no matter what happens I will love him. If we broke up and he decided to be angry at me, i would still love him. Those three years are not wasted to me, I still cherish every moment, every time I got to see him. You know he gives the best hugs, I didn't know anyone who gave better hugs than my little brother Spencer (because little kid hugs are the best) but he really gives good hugs. You guys did a good job, he is so respectable and honorable, thats one of the reasons- of many- why I love him. He sought me out for who I was not because I was use-able or I was nice, because he saw value in me. In my short life I've never met anyone as faithful and truthful as him. He is almost a honest and truthful as Jesus and I am lucky to have him. Blessed to have experienced part of his life.
And that's pretty much it... sorry if its boring or if its confusing. That's really the only answer I have at the moment. But its been two months and already it feels like I'm almost there... at the end of the verse in Genesis, it says "and it was like only a week to them because their love for each other was so great" I believe that, I believe that I can make the best of this time I have to my self to make my self stronger so that I can be worth the wait.
If you've thought of another question, I'll answer it to the best of my ability. Pretty much this is all I've got. So, i love you and I hope you have a good night. :)
Day one(Of Henry's visit): My dad is totally sweating Bishop Browne, the look on his face is exasperated, you can tell he'd rather be miles away, at work even. He looks like me when I'm tired and people want me to play Settlers of Cataan (its a really long bored game). Henry seems... excitable, my mom was right his favorite subject really is JEEZUS and how amazing God is, which is the truth. Honestly I avoided him because I was tired from work and didn't really care even though he was SO HAPPY to see me. Like really, all my life I've been chased around by little old ladies and attacked with huge hugs and exclimations like "Ooouuuhh I used to change your diapers when you were little", and now I've got some guy I dont know from a foreign country pinching my cheek and telling me all about what an adorable fat baby I was. Great.
Day two: Dad is slightly amused, he's actually sitting up now he looks a little more focused than yesterday. Now when Henry say's something he actually nods in response and is showing some reaction. I was again, not really apart of this conversation, I gave hugs, said hi and went back to bed (after getting up and going to work and coming back), something seems different though like there's a flavor in the air. I think I was still talking to Scott at this point, I remember feeling sick and discussing it with him, he was scared and I dont blame him, I was too.
Day three: I return from my job to find Dad and Bishop Browned at the end of the table deep in prayer, my dad looks up gasps and motions me over, I havn't even changed out of my uniform I 'Just' walked in the door. He starts apologizing profusely for sending me to Options; he does this every once in a while so I'm used to his rants about it. Even though he thoroughly regrets sending me there it was an opportunity for me to brighten the lives of dark hearted people so I just smile usually and nod, but not this time. He's crying and he asks me to kneel on the floor as Henry pours some cooking oil in his hands. My dad is bawling and praying and worshiping and apologizing all at the same time, I'm kind of worried, scratch that I'm terrified. I don't know this man, frankly he scares me. He's so exuberant and loves God more than anyone I've ever met ever. He say's some really weird stuff not to mention all this gibberish, it sounds like what mom say's when she's busy working. Someone rescue me I don't know whats going on at all. Now dad's mumbling stuff too, did he learn Hebrew over night?! Help?!? At the same time all this blubbering put me in tears (yep thats me, if your crying I'm crying too, if your throwing up hey! me too) also and I felt something inside me click jently into place.
Day four: I think today was Sunday, it was a rough week and I totally got all the days mixed up, none the less I was awoken by dad with a teary-glow in his eyes and told to come upstairs immediately. Its like 8 or 9 am and I'd stayed up kind of late previously. I'm not thrilled, dad looks... like he was hit by the glory train. Reluctantly I drag myself down the stairs (I stayed in the attic w/ my sister) and immediately notice all the kitchen chairs are in a circle in the family room. What is this cult time? So I plod in and sit down in our happy family circle... Everyone is crying except Spencer and Sophie. (I have 6 family members total) At this point in time the tissue box is 3/4ths full. Dad starts by repenting and blessing each of us, and some blubbering. Mom seems sober enough to add in a comment here and there, as well as Henry who looks like he's done this only a thousand times. I'm not amused. I'd been to a few of mom's conferences and I'd seen enough to not be completely trusting of them, the subject had grown on me but I also had friends warning me that it wasn't safe; but at the same time FCF our night church was warily supportive. So, fearful I took hold of my heart and plodded on. Dad was completely effected by all of this, there was no point for the next 3 hours that he was not crying. He took turns for each of us, anointing us with oil blessing us, lavishing us with Love and apologizing. I was beginning to believe that either he had a terminal disease or he was on to something. Then he came to me. Most of my life has been spent in fear of my father (the kind of fear we reverence God with, not afraid fear) I never knew if I was good enough because he never praised me directly. I either found out through my mom or over heard him saying it, on one hand that was enough for me, on the other I could have used more. At the same time receiving any attention at all seemed embarrassing and I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't even practice my guitar in front of my family (except my mom who is growing out of her tone deafness, because everything sounds nice to her), it was like he was making up for lost time. My dad is usually a pretty quiet guy but not today, today everything he meant to say in the past he said today. And I felt better I felt patched up I felt forgiven I felt like I was important to him, even though I was a college dropout and worked a crap-tastic job, I felt like I meant something to him and that my life had a family value...
(tearing up here... just a sec)... So anyway this worship and praise and anointing went on for several hours, we ended up skipping breakfast entirely, but who was hungry when we were so full of God.
Day four pt.2: At the end of all this when we were calming down, we were about to separate for a bit and get some air when my sister Selah promptly grabbed the bottle of cooking oil and pours a bunch in her hands. She grabs Henry by the head and starts praying over him, thus followed by my dad... I even felt compelled to say some things. So for the first time in my life I believe I was actually led in the Spirit to pray over Bishop Browne. We took him out to Bob Evans later, he was so excited.
Later that night, for the first time in probably 4 or 5 years, we as a complete family (plus Henry) went to church together. It was incredible.
That was August 2010 for me.
It was on the third day I think, that dad answered the phone because Scott couldn't reach me on my cell. I had turned it off, I was taking a break from the outside world, I didn't mean to leave him out, I didn't get to him in time. Dad warned me probably a few months ago, and it not only Scott that's going to experience this, I'm fairly certain that both my sisters and probably even my brother will experience this also. My dad's been formulating his own " Eight simple rules for dating my teenage daughter" (its a stupid tv show).
All week as I'd been at work, I'd requested off for three days (ended up following henry's visit) I planned to drive to KY to visit my best friend (old girlfriend who used to live next door)
As our family is calming down, its the day after Henry left and my parents came upstairs and woke me up. They took me downstairs and suggested I make my room in the basement (this actually made me really happy because its nice and cool down there). They also suggested I not go and visit my friends. That hurt my feelings, I'd been looking forwards to this get together for months and I really wanted to go I was pretty upset but reluctantly I respected their wishes and I stayed home. I dont know what would've happened if I'd have gone, but the time I spent at home with my family (when I wasn't crying over my withdraws from not talking to Scott) was really refreshing, I have my dad back, something I've been missing for years.
Its been really difficult for me, not to just pick up the phone, I cant tell you how hard that is, when I see an old text in my phone from him, not to send him one. But through all of this, I'm growing I'm focusing instead of how and when and what time and where I've spent time- spending my time growing. One of the reasons dad gave me for this 7 month thing was that it was a test of character and will or something of the like. I'd hoped that my examples of his caring for me would be enough, but it's not my dad that's dated him these past 3 years (thank goodness) its me, I guess just telling him wasn't enough.
In the end, no matter what happens I will love him. If we broke up and he decided to be angry at me, i would still love him. Those three years are not wasted to me, I still cherish every moment, every time I got to see him. You know he gives the best hugs, I didn't know anyone who gave better hugs than my little brother Spencer (because little kid hugs are the best) but he really gives good hugs. You guys did a good job, he is so respectable and honorable, thats one of the reasons- of many- why I love him. He sought me out for who I was not because I was use-able or I was nice, because he saw value in me. In my short life I've never met anyone as faithful and truthful as him. He is almost a honest and truthful as Jesus and I am lucky to have him. Blessed to have experienced part of his life.
And that's pretty much it... sorry if its boring or if its confusing. That's really the only answer I have at the moment. But its been two months and already it feels like I'm almost there... at the end of the verse in Genesis, it says "and it was like only a week to them because their love for each other was so great" I believe that, I believe that I can make the best of this time I have to my self to make my self stronger so that I can be worth the wait.
If you've thought of another question, I'll answer it to the best of my ability. Pretty much this is all I've got. So, i love you and I hope you have a good night. :)
oh and you don't have to really worry about being nosy, there are very few things I keep private about my life (like my age and weight- kidding kidding) Anyway if you ask I'll generally answer unless I don't know. Nothing really embarrasses me anymore, I mean hey technically we were all naked before Adam fled the garden anyway Lol.
~Judah
I think I scared her away, she hasn't messaged me back. I'll feel kind of bad about that later if I did. But your mom is a good person and I'll lover her even if she decides never to email me again because my replies are 100 pages long @_@. Oh and sorry about this weird background, if I could get it to go away I would bit blogger is not cooperating.
If you have questions too, I'll answer them I dont mind.
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